Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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