dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
