It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
