i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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