she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
cat food counts as protein by the way
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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