I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
