I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I met the friendliest cop last night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
