I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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