I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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