My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
