You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
