you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
