i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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