i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
