Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Semen is not good for contacts.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
