Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
