I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
