a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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