I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
