I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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