That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
