first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
