Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
