is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
