i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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