Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
