I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
