You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
