Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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