I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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