Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
