imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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