please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
