I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
