So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
