Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
