i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
