I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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