When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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