Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
