Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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