He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You can't motorboat a personality
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
