Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
