I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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