currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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