it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
