I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
