I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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