Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
