I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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