He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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